


Until the dread wolf takes me

by laurissy



Category: Dragon Age (Video Games)
Genre: Angst and Hurt/Comfort, F/M, Romance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-02-20
Updated: 2015-04-08
Packaged: 2018-03-14 00:16:59
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,845
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3401426
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/laurissy/pseuds/laurissy
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>How long do you intend to remain in love?" "Until the dread wolf takes me?" Tauriel Lavellan does not know why her lover will no longer touch her. Solas does not know how he can handle not touching her. Solas POV Takes place after the break up but before the end of the game.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> A/n So another Solas Lavellan one shot yeah. This is one is set after the break up but before the end of the game. I’ve read a few other Solas Lavellan stories and they make me squee with fannish joy. But one thing I noticed is that they tend to be set after Solas has left and I kind of wanted to explore the awkward time when he’s still around but he knows he has to go. Also with Tauriel, she’s given herself to this guy but now he hasn’t broken up with her but he has. It just seemed like a deliciously awkward situation to explore.

“Do you know what hurts the most, Dread wolf?”  
“Hey Chuckles,” Varric greeted me with his trademark smile. My reminiscing was cut short by this interruption. Often I was glad to receive his company which was always accompanied by his wit and charm. Normally we would talk and snipe at each other and it was normally quite enjoyable. But I wasn’t in the right mood for a verbal sparring contest.  
“I’m busy.” I said shuffling my papers and pretending that I was looking for something.  
“Right,” Varric said “That’s why you were just staring out into space when I first came in.”  
“I was momentarily distracted.” I blasted back with more force than was necessary.  
Varric put his hands up in mock surrender, “All right Chuckles, just passing a message, Ivy wants to see you.”  
He sighed, even Varric’s nickname for her caused pain. “Well, you can tell her I’m busy.”  
“Fine, just one thing, what were you doing, again?” Varric asked innocently. Normally I could have thought of a perfectly acceptable lie but my mind ached with longing for her, visions from the past and the certainty of what I must do.  
I sighed “Where is she?”  
“She’s in the courtyard, preparing for the wedding.” Varric told him. “This is going to be fun, you remember fun, don’t you Chuckles.”  
I groaned “This wedding is a waste of resources and effort when we should be focusing on Corypheus.” I’d made this point before and no one seemed to pay me any attention, Varric at least had the decency to acknowledge my dissatisfaction.  
But his answer remained the same one he’d given, every other time he’d bought this up “There’s more to life than apocalypses, you need to give people the chance to let their hair down, even though it may be a bit late for you.”  
I gave him an agitated look “Look Ivy gave her permission if you have a problem, take it up with her.” He said in a way that had a veneer of nonchalance but it was a challenge and we both knew it. I had only talked to her briefly since the glen and it had been awkward to say the least. Before I could have told her my objections, which she’d duly listen to. She would most likely ignore my recommendations but she always argued her point so strongly, I couldn’t help buy not change my opinion; admit grudgingly that her opinion had merits.  
This wedding had caused me considerable distress already and it hadn’t even happened yet. It seemed to be causing everyone distress, Josephine was having a fit, trying to arrange all the supplies. Leliana had been put in charge of the wedding clothes which had excited her greatly. Cullen was arranging accommodation for all the guests. Sera was arranging some entertainment, I shuddered at the thought. Dorian was organising the party. Vivienne was arranging the music. Blackwall was helping Josephine. Varric was in charge of rustling up some alcohol. Cassandra was helping Cullen with the guests. Cole was helping wherever he could. Tauriel, the inquisitor was overseeing everything and assisting wherever she could. Everyone but me was pitching in, offering their services to help make this wedding… I don’t know as much of a headache as possible was my best guess. There weren’t enough flowers, the dress was too tight, and the wine had not arrived. These minor issues were at the forefront of everyone’s mind. I wanted to yell, we are fighting a man who believes he is a God? Why are we wasting our time and resources on such a frivolous activity? The wedding wasn’t even important, Loranil one of the dalish agents was marrying Demelza, one of Skyhold’s elven servants but everyone was treating this wedding like they were kings and queens. It made no sense.  
I reluctantly headed towards the stairs, determined to get this over with. The less I saw her, the better it would be in the long run. Her absence was painful, instead of my heart beating in my chest; it was a dark knot of magic and pride that seemed to keep me alive. It was a miserable existence to be so close to her and to ignore her. It was for her benefit, I reminded myself but I’d seen sadness in her eyes. Sadness that I could have prevented if I’d never indulged my desire in the first place.  
I saw her twisting a daisy into an arch, her skilled fingers manipulating the frail flowers with ease. She relished the opportunity to make something beautiful. She was smiling as she laughed with one of her fellow elves. Even though she was a dalish she didn’t look down on the other elves, the way others of her kind had. She did everything she could to help them, she listened to them, advised them, helped them regain some of their lost heritage. It was a shame so much of her heritage was still so garbled but she was more open minded than most and seemed to accept the truths he told her unlike others of her kind. I groaned as my mind tried to distance myself from her, if she was just amother dalish then I could just leave her to ignorance and pity her but move on. But she was so curious and thoughtful, it was impossible to think of her as just another dalish.  
I wanted to stand there and look at her, drink in the sight of her. Soon my eyes would be robbed of the pleasure of seeing her, the rest of my being was denied but my eyes were privileged, but they knew that soon they would be denied as well. So I stayed silent, watching, hoping that time would pause, and I could just look at her forever. Unfortunately fate would never be that kind. She turned to see me “Good you’re here, I need to discuss something with you.” Her smile was radiant as she looked at him, my conscience panged at the sight. How dare you take joy in her smile after you made her so sad?  
The other elves looked at him with suspicion. They were all very protective of the inquisitor and their ears bristled in unison, they continued to work on the arch but their gossiping chatter stilled. “We need to go somewhere private.” She told me and she took my hand and led me towards the stables. They were thankfully completely deserted. I just wanted to get this over with.  
“What do you want inquisitor.” I asked formally, the use of her title seemed to slap her across the pain. I wanted to apologize but I could not show weakness.  
“It’s about the vallaslin,” she asked with trepidation, she touched her own vallaslin as she said it; she seemed to gain some sort of composure from the gesture. “I want you to come to the Arlathvenn and to explain the significance of what they mean.”  
I grimaced at the thought, “They’d try to kill me for defiling their heritage, why would I want to spend time with a group of dalish, who have already closed their minds to reason?”  
She bristled at the insult, I couldn’t help but be proud of that, if I could make her hate me maybe I could do this but she never made things easy. “I know your experiences with my people have not been the most cordial but I need you to try, my people are trying to rebuild something and they need the truth that only you can offer them, even if it’s bad.” She said with patient understanding.  
I wanted to scream at her, why are you treating me with kindness? I don’t deserve it. I took your love and spat it back at you. I took you virginity, defiling dalish customs. I took as much as I could and I have given precious little in return but she looked at me with kindness and compassion. Why did she make it so hard?  
“Why would you care to know the whole truth?” I asked “The dalish so far have seemed pretty content in their ignorance; even you have kept your slave markings.” I didn’t try to stop the anger in my voice; I let it erupt over her.  
“Is that why you…” she started to ask but she shook her head and stood firm as a great elven statue of old. “I kept my vallaslin because it represents my promise to protect and help my people in any way I can, that is why I chose Mythal, I knew that I was meant to protect my people.” Her confidence was staggering, how could she take something as ugly as those slave markings and make them beautiful and noble. Every time I saw the vallaslin, it had filled me with a quiet rage but as I looked at it now, I saw that she had transformed it.  
I was deflated at her rebuttal “What good would it do?” I asked with desperation “To remind your people of something so painful.”  
“We are not spirits, sometimes it is wise to forget and to abandon our pain so we can focus on something new,” she explained “But if we are to rebuild the past, I believe we must learn from our mistakes and make it better. We dishonour our ancestors if we ignore their mistakes, for we would be doomed to repeat them.” Her wisdom was astounding and the anger I had felt towards her had long since been removed, as if it had never existed. I wondered how the dalish could have created something so perfect. I leaned forward to touch her vallaslin, with a newly found reverence; she leaned forward allowing me greater access. All I wanted was to touch her, to take her.  
“No” I said suddenly, stepping away from her. I could see the sigh on her lips as I retreated from her. Those lips which I had kissed so many times, they had scoured my flesh, persistent in finding my most sensitive areas and exploiting them.  
“Will you come?” she said coldly, embarrassed by his rejection. It was now my turn to feel hurt, her tone was distant now. I reminded myself that this was what I wanted but it offered little comfort.  
“I will consider it.” I lied; I would be long gone before any meeting ever took place. Corypheus had failed to gain the knowledge at the well of sorrows, he would have to attack soon or lose any initiative he might have had. He needed to attack her now, she was the one who had continuously thwarted him, and she needed to be dealt with. This would all be over soon, one way or another.  
“Thank you.” She said warmly but then the coldness returned, she turned to walk away but then she hesitated “I need to tell you something.” She turned back, the coolness was still there but she was awkward now.  
“What?” I asked.  
“I’ve received a letter from my clan,” she told me, she bit her lip to stop it from wobblingly, “It says that my keeper has found a man they wish me to consider for my spouse.”  
I was shocked, not at the news as such; I was a little surprised that her clan had been so accommodating in leaving her in the company of people that they had little reason to trust. It made sense to find her a spouse who would ensure she wouldn’t be distracted by a human or something worse. She’d mentioned that her clan was used to her being rebellious by now and they knew that she could not be deterred from doing what she believed to be right. But still, the idea of a man, touching her, kissing her, making love to her. It filled me with repulsion. I had no right to be envious. She deserved a man who would love her and respect her ways and values but as I pictured it the green snake of envy seemed to hiss and spit venom inside of me. “It’s ironic” she continued trying to make light of the situation.”I received this letter while I am helping to plan a wedding, it’s silly but I wanted you to know that I am going to reject him because I love another and it wouldn’t be right for me to even consider another man whilst I remain in love.”  
I was relieved but I felt guilty for it, “How long do you intend to remain in love?” I asked hesitantly.  
She frowned struggling to find an answer; I wanted to tell her that she didn’t have to answer. It was an impossible question to answer; she had only been in love once. How was she supposed to know how long love would last? The love would hurt for time and then it would be replaced. That was how the world worked. I’d learned long ago that nothing was permanent.  
She answered “Until the dread wolf takes me,” her face was filled with clarity, she took a breath and continued “I will love you until there is no hope left in this world.”  
My old name burned me as she said it but her declaration hurt more. I asked bitterly “You still believe that there is hope?”  
“Solas, two people are pledging their lives to each other even though there is a self proclaimed God, hell bent on destroying everything, if that doesn’t prove hope exists, I don’t know what will.” She said. She turned away, this time for good. She was greeted by Loranil at the top of the stairs. He was shaking with nerves and anxiety but she put a hand on his arm and relief washed over his face. I looked up at her, soothing his nerves, reassuring him, keeping hope alive.  
My thoughts drifted back into a memory from long ago.  
“Do you know what hurts the most, Dread wolf?” Anduril asked with a twisted smile.  
“No,” I answered honestly. I was not as fascinated by the subject as she was. She lived for pain; the look of it on someone’s face filled her with joy.  
“Let me educate you then,” she said graciously enough, but there was a menace in her voice, an insanity that fed of misery and pain. “Hope. Make someone hope for something with all their being. Crush it, then you will see true pain.”


	2. Sweet Temptataion

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Solas has made up his mind. All he has to do is resist her and focus on defeating Corrypheus. How hard could that be?

I stood in a corner, drink in my hand, the wine tasted bitter in my mouth but it was something to do. Everyone else was merry, the music was playing, people were dancing and an air of joy seemed to descend over Skyhold. I hated every minute of it but I felt obliged to attend because the music would fill the whole of Skyhold so it wasn’t like I could escape into the fade. I let my thoughts drift to a memory of a nice quiet corner of the fade.

I remembered one occasion where I’d shared it with her. It was by a memory of a waterfall mixed with the recollection of a long forgotten library. He’d read to her while she rested her head on her lap. I’d stroke her hair as I spoke words that I thought I’d never be able to share with my kind again. I heard her laugh in the here and now; I raised my head to see her.  She was more beautiful than ever, she had gone to the effort of weaving flowers, lavender and daisies into her hair. The effect was magical, the moonlight illuminating her freckled skin, highlighting her muscles as she danced, the soft breeze blowing her white dress. I looked away quickly, praying for the strength to endure this torture.

“How are you, my dear” a voice rang out in, it’s cadence perfectly polished after years of study, yet it somehow managed to convey her deep disrespect at the same time. It was an art I had once mastered but had little use for it recently. Vivienne was of course dressed splendidly in gold and she’d bought a new hat for the occasion.

I debated whether to answer, I was hoping that my silence and demeanour would be enough to put of anyone who wished to talk to me. I’d become very good at making myself as unappealing as possible and my dissatisfaction was plain. But Vivienne clearly wanted something and she wouldn’t leave till she’d got it and while I could gain a small measure of satisfaction in leaving the party and leaving her dissatisfied. That would involve leaving, not being able to sleep, thinking about Tauriel, if I did sleep I’d be beset by desire demons with her face which was not what I needed, it was simply not worth the effort. “I’m well, Vivienne.” I replied which was perfectly true in the physical sense.

“It is splendid to have a party even though this does come quite below my usual standards; I believe in these trying times, we must all make exceptions.” Vivienne said grandly.

I sipped my drink before speaking again “I am sorry that the end of the world has been so vexing.”

“Don’t be, adversity must be endured to ensure stability.” She assured me sweetly, I couldn’t help grimacing as she spoke. “Besides I believe that a little adversity brings out the best in people, we wouldn’t have an inquisitor without it.”

“I dare say you are right” If she was trying to bait me she wouldn’t succeed, I will conquer my feelings and focus on what I must do.

“Naturally, she looks divine doesn’t she?”

“I hadn’t noticed” I lied.

Vivienne laughed “Of course, how could something as mundane as beauty compare to the majesty of the fade.”

I didn’t like being mocked especially by her but maybe this was all she wanted to jab me with a few insults until she found an opportunity to pursue something more worthwhile. She carried on “Maybe that is what’s been distracting you of late.”

“I’ve been distracted by the fact that we’re being pursued by an enemy that cannot die that wants to become a God” I informed her my voice encrusted with bitterness “I’m sorry if that makes me a bad party guest, I’ll have to be put on the blacklist.”  


Vivienne smiled coldly “You already are but there are still some bridges, you have not quite burnt despite your determination” she turned to face Tauriel; I didn’t follow her gaze, looking at the ground in an arrogant show of petulance.  “Love is strange, it is not easily put out and squashed, it will continue to smoulder with little to feed or sustain it.”

“I suppose you are right” I replied coolly.

“Love is a great asset especially in trying times” Vivienne noted “It is strange to see it thrown away.”

Solas looked at her; she was gazing at him, her eyes trained to pick out any bit of body language, facial, expression, vocal inflection. She wanted to know why I’d rejected her not because she cared for either of ours well being. But because only a fool would destroy a connection to the most powerful woman in the world. Vivienne for all her remarks knew I wasn’t a fool. She didn’t understand and this vexed her not that she’d ever express it. Despite her lack of a mask, her emotions were perfectly concealed.

I allowed myself a genuine smile at her vexation “Love is more than an asset but I’m not sure I should expect you to understand.”

Vivienne frowned for a second “Believe me, you understand nothing about me.” but soon her smile was back upon her face and she went off into the crowd, realising that she was not going to get what she wanted. I could understand the feeling; she went to a Duke of someplace and asked him to dance. My smile faded quickly after her departure as I realised it was highly unlikely that anyone would talk to me again. My glass was also empty which meant I had little to do but stand there and watch everyone else have fun.

She’d stopped dancing. She was eating a strawberry, her tongue playing with its delicate skin. Her smile as she bit into its flesh was exquisite. He could see the juice redden her lip as the juice escaped from its cage. I couldn’t help but think of her mouth. The way it would often frustrate me when we had an argument. The way it would soften and curve as we laughed together. The way she kissed me, full of longing and love, which I had not known for a long time. What had I done to deserve access to her? I looked at the ground, wishing that a fade rift would open up and take me away. It would be best for everyone. I had to see this through to the end after all it was my fault.

“Hello” she said

I was started by her arrival; I shook nervously, my mind desperately seeking an excuse to leave. “Do you want one?” she asked, holding my gaze with her eyes that seemed to be made of nature, large and uncompromising.

“What?” I asked confused.

She giggled “The strawberries, I saw you looking at them.”

“I shouldn’t” I blushed, How did she make me feel this way like a love sick boy rather than someone who was twice her age and should know better “It would be…”

She smiled, her mouth taking on a mischievous curve as her delicate fingers picked a strawberry. “If you want one, you should take one.” She lifted it to my lips; the smell was beguiling sweet and sharp. My mouth opened to respond but instead of speaking, I bit into her offering. The taste was sumptuous; it filled my mouth with pleasure. Her fingers were in my mouth, tasting her flesh again felt like being in a desert and finding an oasis. She slowly removed her fingers, now stained red thanks to me. She looked at me those eyes were daring me to take what I wanted. I stepped forward, from a distance she was compelling but closer she was a revelation. Her eyes a potent mixture of green and scarlet, glistening with their own internal light. I stepped closer, my lips brushing hers. It was so simple and natural and I’d been denied so long.

A wash of guilt came over me, I shouldn’t be doing this. It wasn’t right; I’d already indulged myself far more than I should have. I had to stop this. I must travel this path alone. How could I subject her to what I must do? It wasn’t right, she was innocent. She’d had her whole life in front of her.

“I’m sorry.” I said, I turned away and ran, I could her crying behind me but I couldn’t see those tears again. I had to leave, go anywhere. Where could I go? She wouldn’t be there.

**Author's Note:**

> A/N So that was fun I wanted to explore my character and her choice to keep her vallaslin because most fanfics I’ve read Lavellan chooses to have her vallaslin taken which is great but I thought it would be fun to add a bit of variety to the mix. So I hope you enjoy and please review.


End file.
